[WCUSP] Lebanon Diary from Zena el-Khalil

[KATHARLOW at aol.com]

Lebanon Diary: At a crossroads in downtown Beirut
by Zena el-Khalil,  Live from Lebanon, 

17 July  2006

http://electronicintifada.net/v2/article5064.shtml

Today I  drove through downtown on my way to visit my
parents. I was driving alone and  was a bit nervous.
First time in a car alone since this whole  thing
started ... But I had to see my parents.

I came across a red  light and stopped. The streets were
empty, and I caught myself wondering why  I stopped and
didn't just go through. Streets were totally empty -  no
other cars, no traffic police. Then I remembered my
latest policy that  is helping to keep me sane; that
even under attack, we should not lose our  manners. That
even under attack, there are still some regulations  we
should abide by. Somehow, by not crossing the red
light, I was able to  maintain some dignity.

Then I looked into my rearview mirror and saw  other
cars approaching. I closed my eyes and in a fit of
prayer wished  that they would stop too. That somehow,
if they didn't cross the light, it  would indicate that
somehow we are all thinking the same. I know most  of
you have heard about Lebanese drivers ... They never
stop at red  lights! Ladies and gentlemen, today, they
stopped.

I opened my eyes  and then burst into tears. All the
cars had stopped. Everyone was behaving.  It was a ray
of hope today. It's the little things that make you
happy. I  turned and smiled and nodded my head to the
other drivers. Maybe they thought  this bleached blond
was flirting with them.

I don't want to write  about all the miserable moments I
had today. They were too many. And how can  I find the
words to really express my despair?

I don't want to write  about the tears that fell when I
heard about how the Israeli army bombed food  storages
today. They bombed wheat silos and vegetable storages.
Now they  want to starve us to death? About how they are
now targeting Lebanese army  outposts. Lebanese army who
are not even fighting them. About the planes that  are
flying so low. About how my house starts to shake every
time a bomb  drops. About my worries now about food and
water shortages. About the  refugees who have lost so
much, who are now living on the streets.

The  biggest threat today has been to bomb our main
electrical plant. The very  same one they blew up a few
years ago. If that one goes, we are  without
electricity. I remember that summer ... It was long and
hot. I  don't know what I would do without Internet.
Dear friends, if you don't hear  from me after this
email it is only because I no longer have access.

I  don't want to write about the cramp in my heart every
time I hear the death  toll rising. So many children! I
don't want to write about how everything I  have spent
my whole life working for has disappeared in a matter
of days.  A matter of days ... my whole life has
changed.

My whole life has  changed and I did not ask for it. My
whole life has changed without my  consent. My whole
life has changed because someone, not me, decided  they
were going to change it. Who said they could? Why
didn't they ask me?  I was supposed to be camping in the
mountains (Chouf) this week. I was  supposed to be
working on a proposal to bring a New York artist out
here  next summer. It was supposed to be a surprise; I
was going to set the whole  thing up, get the funding
and surprise him with it. People bought artwork  from
me, I am supposed to cash my checks. I am supposed to
deliver art to  people.

Two bombs just went off. My windows are shaking. Stupid
me, I  closed them to stop the mosquitoes from coming
in. Thank God they didn't just  shatter. My heart - my
heart is another story.

We are doing the best  we can to help those in need. We
are all playing our respective roles and  finding roles
to play. My sister has been working with the  Zicco
House/Helem rescue point. They have gotten a bank
account open to  accept donations so they can buy food,
medicine, water, blankets, and  mattresses. The
ministries of heath and social affairs have proven to
be  ineffective. It is up to the civil society now to
help out.

I can not  thank you all enough for all your wonderful
emails. They are filling me with  life. Please forward
the news ... I am so tired. But as long as I  have
electricity and Internet, I will continue to write.
Until I lose my  mind ... maybe by then I can get back
into my studio again and  paint.

To any Israelis who may read this: I have not learned
to hate.  I still believe in humanity. Violence begets
violence. I know there are some  of you protesting this.
Thank you.

With love,

Zena  el-Khalil

[Zena el-Khalil is an installation artist, painter,
curator,  and cultural activist. She is the co-founder
of the art collective, xanadu*,  that is based in NYC
and Beirut. She currently lives in  Beirut.
<http://www.ziggydoodle.com/page1.html>]
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